The Lord gave me the whole summer of 2020 to work on humility. After a time of bitterness with thoughts such as, “God just doesn’t want me to break,” I became radically changed. I realized that God was actually keeping me from breaking to guard my heart from an even bigger flood of pride. I spent time in God’s word and talked to friends about my experience and the attitude I had in prior years. During this time, I was hit with the full force of conviction and felt terrible. The weight of my pride finally sunk in. I had been an awful friend and role model, but I was committed to changing my mindset and following God even if it meant never hearing my name called again, for speech or debate.

I felt the best solution to my pride was to do something I knew I wasn’t good at. So I switched to Team Policy debate, a style I had sworn I would never do. I was entirely ignorant of how to debate it. I was a disorganized mess and my poor debate partner did not  have the time to coach my every step. The verse that I leaned on during this year was 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 which says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” I knew that nothing I did was of my own strength and I was going to need the Lord’s strength to get through the rest of the year.

Breaking was not really on the table for my partner and me that year. It was possible but unlikely. I remember sitting in our bonus room after the first online tournament, carefully trying to ward off temptation when we did not break. It hurt, but I was determined not to allow that hurt to control me. Thankfully, for the rest of the online tournaments, my partner and I were in-person together so the disappointment wasn’t nearly as much. The idea of rejoicing and weeping together was something God intentionally gave us as a gift and I’m grateful my partner exhibited those qualities so well. 

We had one in-person tournament which was a wonderful blessing. It was no secret around my club that I disliked impromptu, but it was a season of trying new things. Even though I had never enjoyed any round of impromptu I had ever tried, for the last tournament of the year, I decided to try it again. I signed up for it, but debate was still the event I so badly wanted to break in. By the last day, it seemed like my partner and I would actually break, but to my disappointment, that goal was still not achieved. 

The second all the team’s names were announced, I was surrounded by hugs and sweet friends who wanted to comfort me. Their efforts were appreciated but as soon as I could, I took a 20-minute walk around the building to cry and worship. I knew the devil would turn this situation into self-pity if I did not fight it. A sweet mom, who also happened to be outside at the time, walked with me for another 10 minutes and encouraged me. She reminded me that my identity was rooted in Christ and no record could take that away from me.

But that wasn’t the end of this tournament. Soon enough, I was sitting in the announcement room again and heard my name called, for impromptu of all things. Never could I imagine that the event I disliked most would be my best one that year. The Lord guided my words in Semi-Finals and then again in Finals. Unfortunately, there were numerous complications with COVID restrictions during regionals and I was unable to go. That was another major disappointment I simply had to trust God with. But the real test came the next year when my partner graduated, my friends left, and I only had one more year in the NCFCA. I knew God would provide the correct attitude but I never could have guessed the abundance of joy God gave me as I went into my senior year.

Want to know how God faithfully guided Hope through these struggles? Part 3 is coming out soon; stay tuned! Read part 1 here.

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